Yellowstone National Park Erects a Wall to Keep “Tourons” Out
GARDINER, MT - Yellowstone National Park (YNP) has recently announced plans to build a large wall this winter to prepare themselves for the upcoming summer rush. Not to fend off wildlife or the encroaching “dirt peddling” developers – but to keep out a more unpredictable threat: Tourons.
For the uninitiated, ‘Tourons’ (tourists + morons) are those visitors who mistake the park for a petting zoo or a dog park. To combat this, YNP is introducing a rigorous entrance exam, designed to be so straightforward that “even a dipshit tourist should be able to figure it out,” explains Park Ranger, Thad McSwain.
Among the proposed questions are gems like, “When is it safe to approach a grizzly cub and its mother?” and “What’s a good time to cook hot dogs in geyser water?” If you’re scratching your head over these, you might just be the target demographic.
Another tell-tale sign of a touron, as per the park’s new guidelines, is arriving in a rental RV that reads ‘1-800-RV-For-Rent’. “No, just no.” Ranger McSwain added firmly. “The last 7 of the 1-800-RV-for-Rent people we let in here all died trying to get selfies with bison.”
"As for tourists who fail the test, they’ll be redirected to a nearby attraction coined ‘Touron Town’, a safe space where one can take photos with stuffed animals and boil hot dogs in regular, non-geyser water."
The plan, naturally, has its critics. Some argue it’s unfair to those genuinely ignorant of wilderness etiquette. But park officials are firm. “Our wildlife and geysers have endured enough. It’s time to draw the line - or rather, build the wall,” declared McSwain.
As for tourists who fail the test, they’ll be redirected to a nearby attraction coined ‘Touron Town’, a safe space where one can take photos with stuffed animals and boil hot dogs in regular, non-geyser water. Welcome to Yellowstone – intelligence not just appreciated but required. •
