Tesla Cybertruck Turns School Bullies into Frenzied Mob, Dad Hangs by Jockstrap
BILLINGS, MT - As he waited for his loser dad to pick him up after school last Friday, local Billings 8th grader Elliott Bates’ mood went from awful to despondent when he saw his dad honking and waving at him from a brand new Tesla Cybertruck. The vehicle, with its dystopian design and futuristic edges, immediately attracted the attention of every bully within a 500-foot radius.
“Is that a Cybertruck?” gasped Freddy “Knuckles” Krakowski, the renowned schoolyard tormentor. “Christmas came early, boys! Master Bates’ dad just bought him a year’s worth of new material for us!”
Initially targeting poor Elliott, whose daily life now resembled a living episode of “Survivor: Middle School Edition,” the bullies were soon overwhelmed by the comedic goldmine that had just rolled into their midst. High-fives were exchanged, gleeful laughter echoed across the parking lot, and knuckles were cracked.
“This thing looks like it drove straight out of the Douchebag Factory,” offered Billy Burns, lead tormentor and 9th grader for the third, but certainly not the last, time.
As the bullies strategized over their newfound material, an unexpected voice of reason emerged. “You know,” mused Richie Rodriguez, the self-appointed consigliere of the group, “why waste our energy on Master Bates when we’ve got the ultimate prize right here? Dick Bates in a Cybertruck.”
Emboldened by this fresh perspective, the group quickly pivoted their attention to Mr. Richard (Dick to his friends) Bates, and the parking lot descended into chaos. Eyewitnesses reported seeing Mr. Bates being manhandled and dragged toward the athletic facility by a mob of underachieving high schoolers with a collective sense of mission.
By the time the authorities arrived, Richard Bates was found hanging by a jockstrap in the ladies’ locker room, mumbling something about “just wanting to show off the autopilot feature.” A Bluetooth speaker was playing Beck’s “Loser” on repeat, as Mr. Bates adjusted to what might be at least a few weeks before his eyebrows would grow back in.
“A Tesla Cybertruck? I mean, I’m totally against any type of bullying, of course, except any asshole in one of those.”
Local parents are both horrified and bemused. “A Tesla Cybertruck? I mean, I’m totally against any type of bullying, of course, except any asshole in one of those,” said one PTA member, shaking her head.
As for Elliott, he seems to be in the clear. Even the bullies had to give him a break.
Freddy Knuckles offered, “With an idiot dad like that, we decided to lay off the poor kid. He’s got it hard enough already. Chalk it up to us maturing as a group, too.”
Knuckles was last seen offering the younger Elliott a drag on his cigarette—a sign of peace at last.
