Bozeman’s “West Coast Refugee” Crisis Threatens to Devour Montana’s Idyllic Charm
BOZEMAN, MT- Over the past 3 years, the city of Bozeman has been grappling with an overwhelming influx of refugees from the West Coast’s biggest cities, as an onslaught of affluent techies and outdoorsy urbanites seek refuge from their former coastal dwellings. While this situation has been dubbed a “refugee crisis,” the newcomers are not fleeing from war or persecution, but rather from the high cost of living and the struggle to find the perfect gluten-free bagel.
The well-off refugees, in their quest for a simpler life, have swarmed local eateries, demanding craft coffee and organic quinoa salads, while furiously updating their Instagram feeds with photos of the quaint Montana countryside.
“Jeez, I remember when you could actually buy a house here without selling a kidney or having a trust fund,” said local resident Earl Jenkins, as he watched a line of Teslas idle outside a new vegan bakery. “Now all these West Coasters have come in, jacking up prices and turning our quiet town into another Portland or San Francisco.”
Said one current refugee, who wished to remain anonymous so they could speak freely, “To call this a refugee crisis is a bit much. I mean, what refugee has ever paid $2 million for a 1200 square foot loft? I like to think of us as interlopers, with money to burn”
Longtime Bozeman resident, Ruth Beller, expressed her frustration at the changing landscape. “I moved here 40 years ago to get away from the big city hustle. Now they’re here, setting up artisanal cheese shops and opening hot yoga studios on every corner!”
“I’d trade all the kombucha and avocado toast in the world for a return to the good old days of just steak and potatoes.”
The refugee crisis has shown no signs of abating, as real estate prices skyrocket and parking spots for electric scooters multiply. Locals have taken to Social Media, protesting against the rising tide of coastal invaders, demanding that the city preserve the Montana they once knew and loved.
“The irony of using social media to criticize my presence in Montana is just outstanding. I mean…I invented Social Media,” said the aforementioned refugee and interloper.
“I don’t understand why they don’t just go back to their fancy, overpriced cities,” said Jenkins, shaking his head in disbelief. “I’d trade all the kombucha and avocado toast in the world for a return to the good old days of just steak and potatoes.”
When reminded that steak and potatoes are still widely available in all the major grocery stores in the Bozeman area, Jenkins added sternly, “Go F*ck Yourself!”
