Cartel Leader Opens Luxury Rehab Chain, Promises to Be Both Cause and Cure for America’s Drug Problem

EVERYWHERE, USA - In a move critics are calling “darkly entrepreneurial,” notorious cartel leader Javier “El Patron” Mendoza has announced the grand opening of Second Chance Wellness Centers, a chain of state-of-the-art drug rehabilitation facilities across the United States.

“We’ve taken so much from American communities,” Mendoza said at the ribbon-cutting ceremony, flanked by security guards in designer suits. “It’s only right that we give something back—especially after they’ve given us so much… of their money.”

The facilities, described as “luxury retreats for detox and renewal,” boast private chefs, equine therapy, and infinity pools overlooking scenic mountain ranges. Memberships start at $30,000 per month, payable in cash, wire transfer, or unmarked bills.

Mendoza acknowledged the irony of his involvement but defended the venture as a win-win. “Look, we’re the cause of the problem. But who better to fix it? It’s
like having the arsonist install your sprinklers,” he said with a smile.

Critics were quick to respond. “This is absurd,” said DEA spokesperson Linda Walker. “You can’t claim to heal the damage while profiting off the destruction.”

But Mendoza dismissed the backlash, teasing plans to expand services. “We’re exploring rehab loyalty programs. Think: free detox stays for repeat customers.”

Mendoza is currently scouting locations for his next project—a halfway house franchise called Breaking Good. •