Bachelor Finally Buys Bed Frame, Declares Himself “A Man Now”
LIVINGSTON, MT - 28-year-old bachelor Kyle Reynolds has officially elevated his life—literally—by purchasing his very first bed frame. After years of sleeping on a mattress directly on the floor, Reynolds claims the newfound elevation has transformed his outlook, his self-esteem, and possibly even his posture.
“I feel like I finally have my life together,” Reynolds said, adjusting his freshly fluffed pillows, which now hover a commanding 12 inches above the carpet. “It’s amazing what a difference four legs and an Allen wrench can make.”
Family members, long concerned about Reynolds’ aversion to basic furniture, expressed overwhelming pride. His father, Jim Reynolds, reportedly got misty-eyed upon hearing the news. “I always knew he had it in him,” Jim said, dabbing his eyes with a shop rag. “He’s standing taller—and so is his mattress.”
His mother was equally moved. “This is bigger than when he got health insurance,” she said, snapping photos of the frame to post on Facebook.
“This is bigger than when he got health insurance.”
Reynolds’ roommates, however, remain skeptical. “He’s acting like he bought a house,” said friend and roommate Todd Mercer. “It’s a $75 frame from IKEA.”
Despite the criticism, Reynolds has already set his sights on new frontiers. “A nightstand,” he whispered, gazing toward the horizon. “Maybe even curtains.”
For now, though, Reynolds remains grounded—well, slightly less grounded—and ready to embrace adulthood one piece of furniture at a time. •
