14th “New” Yoga Studio Opens in Bozeman
BOZEMAN, MT - Bozeman celebrated the grand opening of its 14th yoga studio this past weekend, prompting some residents to question if the town has finally achieved ‘peak stretch’. Having run out of silly yoga-themed names, the owners threw in the towel and just named it “Fred’s Yoga.” Locals seem to be far from pleased.
“I swear, if I hear ‘namaste’ one more time, I’m going to accidentally slip into a ‘wrathful warrior’ pose,” grumbled long-time resident Hank Johnson, who claims the relentless rise of yoga studios has directly correlated with the disappearance of his favorite fly shops.
“It’s like a bad yoga mat rash that won’t go away,” lamented Barbara Ellis, a local baker. “I miss the days when people were just normally flexible and not trying to twist themselves into a pretzel while balancing on one toe.”
“I swear, if I hear ‘namaste’ one more time, I’m going to accidentally slip into a ‘wrathful warrior’ pose.”
The studio’s owner, Summer Rain, a recent transplant from California, seems blissfully unaware of the undercurrent of resistance. “Yoga is about unity and peace, and I’m just thrilled to bring more of that to Bozeman,” she said, adjusting her crystal pendant. “We even offer goat yoga on the weekends!”
Meanwhile, the town council is considering a zoning bylaw to prevent any more yoga studios from popping up, citing concerns about “excessive tranquility” and the risk of “incessant meditation related conversations” among the population.
“It’s getting to the point where you can’t walk down Main Street without getting banged in the head by an errant yoga mat,” complained council member Fred Baxter. “What’s next? A collective state of bliss? Fuck that!”
At press time, a group of disgruntled locals were seen organizing a protest, though it was unclear whether they were assembling in an orderly fashion or just attempting a group warrior pose.
“See? That’s the problem!” screamed Baxter as he drove head on into a Prius taking a left without signaling. •
